Pickup Basketball: The Hacker’s Commandments

1. Thou shall slap, grab and hold at every opportunity: Hackers often take immense pride in their ability to play “defense.” And, indeed, it is often difficult to score against Hackers, but not because they adhere to fundamental defensive principles like moving their feet and keeping a hand in the offensive player’s shot pocket. It’s because they’ve usually got a paw on your back and a knee up your ass. If you’re holding the ball, they’ll slap your arms. If you beat them on a drive, they’ll bump you and maybe grab your jersey. If you try to move and cut without the ball, they’ll try to hold or push you. Basically, it’s like ballroom dancing with an angry, autistic octopus. With rabies.

2. Thou shall protest every call: There must be a hospital somewhere that provides specialized lobotomies in which the human sense of shame and basic grasp on reality is surgically removed. I can offer no more reasonable explanation than that for the fact that Hackers believe, with every fiber of their twisted being, that they are completely and wholly incapable of committing a foul (except in some rare circumstances; see Commandment 5 below). They will moan, they will groan, they will call both your intelligence and (more often) honor into question. Furthermore, they have perfected the frustrated headshake and incredulous look. If these actions don’t make you want to spend the rest of your life punching them in the genitals, it’s only because you don’t have hands.

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September 14, 2008 | Categories: Basketball | Tags: ballin, Basketball, basketbawful, defense, dunk, dunking, fouls, hoops, offense, pickup basketball, the hacker's commandments | Leave a comment